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  1. #1
    Join Date
    May 2012
    Posts
    2,298

    Default Poker Jokes and Quotes

    Why is “a man” like a deck of cards?
    Because you need a heart to love him, a diamond to marry him, a club to smash his head in, and a spade to bury the bastard.

  2. #2
    Join Date
    May 2012
    Posts
    2,298

    Default

    Members please fell free to post your jokes and quotes!

    We want to slap our knees in laughter!

    Bring it on!

  3. #3
    Join Date
    May 2012
    Posts
    2,298

    Default

    Charles 'Chic' Murray quoted:

    I admit to spending a fortune on women, booze and gambling… the rest I spend foolishly.

  4. #4
    Join Date
    May 2012
    Posts
    2,298

    Default

    One day, at a casino buffet, a man suddenly called out, "My son's choking! He swallowed a quarter! Help! Please, anyone! Help!" A man from a nearby table stood up and announced that he was quite experienced at this sort of thing. He stepped over with almost no look of concern at all, wrapped his hands around the boy's gonads, and squeezed. Out popped the quarter. The man then went back to his table as though nothing had happened. "Thank you! Thank you!" the father cried. "Are you a paramedic?" "No," replied the man. "I work for the IRS."

  5. #5
    Join Date
    May 2012
    Posts
    2,298

    Default

    "Someone once asked me why women don't gamble as much as men do and I gave the commonsensical reply that we don't have as much money. That was a true but incomplete answer. In fact, women's total instinct for gambling is satisfied by marriage."
    — Gloria Steinem

  6. #6
    Join Date
    May 2012
    Posts
    2,298

    Default

    A blonde woman was on a girls’ weekend in Las Vegas. She stood in front of a candy machine, put in two quarters, turned the knob, and a candy bar fell out. She repeated the process, and again a candy bar fell out.

    Elated, she tried again as a man approached, saying, “Excuse me miss, what are you doing?”

    She said, “Hello! I’m winning here!”

  7. #7
    Join Date
    May 2012
    Posts
    2,298

    Default

    What has a whole bunch of little balls and screws old ladies?

    A bingo machine

  8. #8
    Join Date
    May 2012
    Posts
    2,298

    Default

    What are vampires playing poker for?

    High stakes.

    HAHAHAHA

  9. #9
    Join Date
    Dec 2015
    Posts
    34

    Default

    HAHAHA . awesome jokes !! I love life in spite of all that mars it. I love friendship, jokes and laughter.

  10. #10
    Join Date
    Dec 2015
    Posts
    34

    Default

    Q: What's the difference between a guitar and a fish?
    A: You can tune a guitar, but you can't tuna fish.

    Im bored hahaha lol

  11. #11
    Join Date
    Jan 2016
    Location
    Moscow, Russia
    Posts
    29

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by james15 View Post
    Q: What's the difference between a guitar and a fish?
    A: You can tune a guitar, but you can't tuna fish.

    Im bored hahaha lol
    I am liking your poker joke!! [am writing this with a poker face, so it qualifies for a poker joke,lol]

  12. #12
    Join Date
    Dec 2015
    Posts
    34

    Default

    yeah that's true really nice

  13. #13
    Join Date
    May 2016
    Location
    Canada
    Posts
    39

    Talking Poker joke

    There once was a woman who plays poker once a month with a group of female coworkers who was concerned that she always woke her husband when she came home around 1:00 am. One night she decided to try not to wake him. She undressed in the living room and, put her purse over her shoulder, and tiptoed nude into the bedroom, but was surprised to find her husband sitting up in bed reading. "Dammit woman!" he exclaimed. "Did you lose everything?"


    I think this one is the best for me)))

  14. #14
    Join Date
    Feb 2010
    Posts
    313

    Default

    Best joke I seen in a while lol

  15. #15
    Join Date
    Aug 2016
    Posts
    18

    Default

    - What do craps dealers eat for dessert?
    - Dice pudding.

  16. #16
    Join Date
    Dec 2016
    Posts
    17

    Default

    What is Bill Clinton's favorite game? Poke-her.

  17. #17
    Join Date
    Dec 2016
    Posts
    17

    Default

    What do you call a poker player without a girlfriend? Homeless.

  18. #18
    Join Date
    Dec 2016
    Posts
    17

    Default

    Why didn’t the elephant like to play poker in the jungle?
    Because there are too many cheetahs.

  19. #19
    Join Date
    Dec 2016
    Posts
    17

    Default

    I hope you don't make love the way you play tournaments... all in and done in under a minute.

  20. #20
    Join Date
    Dec 2016
    Posts
    17

    Default

    I've had more flushes sucked out of me than a public toilet.

  21. #21
    Join Date
    Dec 2016
    Posts
    17

    Default

    I wouldn't wipe my a** with those cards if I was out of toilet paper.

  22. #22
    Join Date
    Dec 2016
    Posts
    17

    Default

    Some cowboys were playing poker in an Old West saloon. One of them laid down the winning hand, and another jumped up, yelling, “He’s cheatin! He aint playin the cards I dealt him!”

  23. #23
    Join Date
    Dec 2016
    Posts
    17

    Default

    A blond girl playing freeroll was taking her time and playing very slow. The timer was started and she still could not take a decision how to play the hand. Her friend asked her with surprise, “What is going on? Why aren’t you playing?” The blond girl replied, “I am playing! I am just slow-playing aces!”

  24. #24
    Join Date
    Dec 2016
    Posts
    17

    Default

    In a book store:
    “I am looking for the book named 'How to win easily and fast with poker.'
    Clerk says: “Please check the science fiction section.”

  25. #25
    Join Date
    Dec 2016
    Posts
    17

    Default

    Someone bets, say, $35. Some other guy, a player at the back of him will say, "I was going to call $34, but $35 is just too much."

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